2005-02-25 - 3:38 p.m.
My life seems to be one that is aimed at avoiding guilt and responsibility. I don't like people depending on me, expecting things from me, or disappointed if I don't come through for them. I'm a horrible boyfriend for most people because I don't act like I need the person...I don't act like my life revolves around them...I don't tell them everything about my life. I expect privacy even in the most intimate of moments. Don't ask me what I'm thinking...it's none of your damn business. My girlfriends never know how much I like men. My boyfriends never know how much I like women. Some people think I'm a cold atheist while others think I'm as spiritual as the Budha. I'm a gray illusion most of the time to most of the people in the world. I do exist somewhere, deep in my mind. I have principles and virtues...but I lack patience in others so I draw a quick and easy picture for them to get them off my back or on my team or out of my way. The strange thing is that I always tell the truth, and yet people still don't have a clear picture of who I am. People just don't know how to ask the right questions, because the answers I give just lead in circles. Are you an atheist? "no". Do you believe in God? "no". I was telling the truth both times...but people don't understand how. My words are weapons and armor, striking and parrying every advance. In the end I want to be surrounded by people, but left alone. The noise of their ramblings frustrates me, yet I can't survive without their presence. I guess I'm waiting for someone to ask me the right questions, to see through my illusions and put me on the spot. I don't respect anyone, yet want more than anything to look up to someone. This life is getting harder to live every day and I see it on other people's faces. We don't have much time left now. Things are gonna boil over pretty soon. All we'll have left is our sense of humor and our pride...if we're lucky.
